My Farmer and Me…Sleeping more…

It was another restless night for Ed…up and down with emotions and not eating, nor will he take his meds.

Shivers and Ophelia have taken a liking to the new adjustable bed which my farmer doesn’t like. I like it, too.

I tried repeatedly to entice him to eat this a.m. but he just fell back to sleep. I assume his body is requiring the rest today, but he needs his meds. Says he is sore and hurts so I am sure the medication for that would be welcomed.

Not sure what is going on  today, but I sit in the chair by his bed and he is looking so peaceful. Not able to stay awake for long so perhaps he will catch up and wake up and ask for meds, food, etc… can only hope I guess…

Am going to grab a nap while he is, I think. I will try to write again in a few……………………………………………….

The Journey — A long Night

Around 2am my Farmer was shouting that he was falling out of his bed…He said he had things to do and needed to go out and check on a heifer that was having trouble freshening.

I finally persuaded him that he wasn’t going to fall from his bed and that we didn’t have a heifer calving. Said nobody tells him anything any more.

He fell back to sleep and I went back and laid down. Then it happened all over again. This time I was able to get him to take his meds without much trouble but he was running on overdrive or something because he wouldn’t calm down.

Sitting in the recliner next to his bed I tried to initiate a conversation with him, but he was still certain he had to go outside. Finally he told me that I didn’t care and he would find someone else to help him.

I wish I knew what was going on inside his head…he made comments referring to when we lived in the other house and the kids were all little. He had actually spoken to Jeremy as if we still lived up the road.

It is important that he gets restful sleep and perhaps that will help with the jumbled thoughts.

Am hoping for a good day for him.

My Farmer and Me… Serious Moments

As this Journey moves on we cherish the little things…a smile that just sneaked out, wonder what he is thinking…reaching for your hand…a wise saying or lesson learned.

He had a terrific time outside on Sunday but it tired him out. I know it meant a great deal to him…Hoping it will happen again.

Unfortunately these events are becoming few and far between. Sleep and rest are taking up a lot of my Farmer’s day now. I worry that he is slipping away.

But just as I say a little prayer for strength for him, the eyes open and he wants a drink or something more substantial. Thank you!

Yesterday he just could not get comfortable… I took the air mattress off his bed and just left the regular mattress on it over the weekend. For a while I thought it made a difference.

My fear is that he has lost so much muscle mass and has become very poor (I do not like that word so much) that his skeleton hurts; that is the only way I can describe it.

Last evening Jeremy and Maggie were both here for a few minutes with their Dad and each had some alone time with him. Jeremy does not like to look down at him so he gets down on the floor and Ed puts his hand out.

The look shared between the two of them is priceless. A connection on this level due to his terrible accident in 1997 has the two of them discussing from heart to heart.

Maggie loves it when Dad draws or paints…she hands him the paints, markers or pencils and they share those moments. Creating together brings a certain calm to both.

When Jess comes they talk baseball and little league or something that happened at work. He likes to hear about Jeb’s games and how the team played…Jeb is definitely an asset to the team…he pitches and can hit as well. The apple of his father’s eye!!!

Chad talks cows or field work…yesterday was herd health check and the conversation was about the success rate of the breeding program.

Elf, one of our Brown Swiss cows was preg checked with the ultra sound and it was determined she was carrying a heifer. YES>>>

One of Chad’s cows, a Holstein named Corvette was checked pregnant with twins!!! The sex of them couldn’t be determined yet. Best scenario would be 2 heifers and worst would be heifer and bull. Either way they will take what they get!!!

I had a nice chat with Jon Katz. Talked about some things that may be on the horizon with this darned disease and how we would handle them. He listens and offers minimal advise which I welcome.

I definitely want to honor my Farmer’s wishes but I need to know when I relent to his wishes that it is indeed what he wants. That is my dilemma but am sure the answers will come when I least expect them.

And so it goes with serious conversations…

Simple things….

While balancing highs and lows, emotions and struggles… Our Farmer is longing to walk again.  He can move his right leg a bit but has no strength.  His left unable to control.  His night has been filled with trying to determine what he has done to deserve this.  Questioning decisions, analyzing situations.

I have told him there is nothing, there is no amount of analysis that will answer this question.  That reflection to find a culprit will only hinder the mind in which he has.  That strong, determined part of him so fragile that it needs to be filled with positive, memories, love….

He recited a poem as I sat with him titled, “I don’t want your welfare or social security”

Why do the millionaires get to walk?

I’m just a poor farmer

What did I do?

Why can’t I walk?

All I want to do is work again.

To walk to the barn.

To be dog tired from work, not from cancer.

I wish someone could help me walk again….

Tomorrow we are hoping for another adventure outside, God willing.  Many cows confirmed pregnant today, so excitement for Bejosh to continue.  May your days be filled with joy.  May your hearts be filled with LOVE.  May you not take for granted all that you have and all you can do.  Much love. Maggie

My Farmer and Me…Such a gift!

Yesterday proved to be a great day for my Farmer and Jordan.

Because he didn’t appear to be enjoying his day Ed was given the best gift ever by Jordan.

He strode into Ed’s room and said they were going to take him outside; so with little difficulty off they went.

I gotta say it was a bit emotional to see how happy  he was to see his animals…Tears of joy were spilled by all of us. This was just what he needed.

While he was out there Jeremy and family stopped to see him, too.

Today is a different day!

The Journey — Holy Cow and Ed visit.

Jordan decided that Grampy was going outside and he along with his Dad got him into the wheelchair and out the door for a visit with Holy Cow!!!

Then it was Destiny’s turn to chat a minute,,,but not before she played the ‘typical Swiss’ card and did a somersault on the end of a halter and popped the button off her horn. She had just been dehorned a week or so ago.

Then they took him on the scenic route out to the freestall to see the milk cows.


He was so happy and his smile brought tears to our eyes. After the tough start to the day all is well and my Farmer is happy.

My Farmer and Me…I play the Villain.

Ozzie, our cockateil, is my Farmer’s companion as he spends most of his time either in bed or in his lift chair.

Ed can get him singing and dancing merely by talking to him.  I think they need each other.

Yesterday was a good/bad day for Ed. Had many visitors and his sugar count was up to 500 for a part of the day.

I ask him to PLEASE drink more water and less milk for a while…He tells me nobody knows what it is like for him…the challenge of being bedridden is a hard one.

To look at my Farmer even 2 months ago you never would have guessed he was afraid of any thing. He always goes about life  with a vengeance and doesn’t take any crap.

That is up until this cancer has cast a spell on his body and mind.  His muscle mass has vanished and in it’s place is skin and bones. As hard as he wants to fight it now, he is tired and weak.

In this play of life this act has me playing the villain…he thinks I am being mean and I don’t care about what he is going through.

I realize it is the cancer talking…it doesn’t make it any easier.

Other family members can come and tell him the very same thing and it is fine with him. I am not sure if they believe me when I tell them he will turn away and absolutely refuse my help or is being the primary caregiver also afforded me the role of villain?

That is how I feel…Every one needs to understand that I do the best I can and my Farmer has a strong will and stubborn streak — ‘ya think?

He has been more willing to drink the water this morning…a step in the right direction. He also had a better night of rest; only up once.

Perhaps today will be the day for getting him outside for a while in his wheel chair and he may also do some writing or painting. I guess time will tell.

The curtain is up on the next scene…my role may not be needed in this one.