Honesty is Best…

Last weekend was the Bedlam Farm Open House and I was asked to read some poetry that Ed wrote this past summer. As in the photo with Mary Kellogg and Jon poking fun at one another I felt at ease.

Several visitors that day introduced themselves as readers of our blog for the last three  years along with several who told me not to give up writing on my own.

I enjoyed the conversations of the day…re-living some of the blog posts through visitors’ eyes much of the afternoon. What a blessing that day was for me.

One wish that Ed had was that he could make a difference in some way through the blog whether it be through his humor or the brutal honesty that came with telling of The Journey.

I am delighted to say that he made a difference in many lives…some of the ones he touched introduced themselves in person at the Open House.

One woman was going through much the same thing with her mother and said that our honesty was what touched her…death is something we will all experience but it can be as beautiful as a newborn calf or a Grandma’s Blessing rose.

In all honesty it was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever done…watching my Farmer go from living the farm life that he loved so much…14-16 hours a day of hard manual labor with a few very special moments thrown in…to a defeated man who fought his hardest fight and lost a bit more every day.

I so miss him every day…his Journey from diagnosis to death was down a path that had no u-turns or rest stops….just a few speed bumps that afforded us perhaps an extra day or two along the way (slow down but don’t stop).

As foolish as it sounds, I look for butterflies and crows as a sign that he is still with me. Oh, I know he will always be but somehow they keep him real and here.

The one thing I know is that writing has become harder for me…Ed and I could bounce ideas around all day as to what we should post…from Goober , a few hours old bull calf running behind my Farmer in the rain the long way around the barns and to the area where the bull calves were kept (actually quite amazing in itself because he didn’t mind leaving his Mama and followed on his own)

…to watching Canadian geese heading north or south, depending on the season…plowing and planting…haying…chopping corn. Through good and not so good times with a few downright bad ones here and there.

But for me now it is just a feeling of emptiness…the past 6 months play over and over in my head and my heart aches. The future isn’t bright through my eyes. Some days I spend seeking out a sense of hope that is out there but not quite within reach.

Come on Farmer…show me a way to get over this dread. Help me move forward in the most important aspects of living…

Today I went back to writing class for the first time since last spring and the entire group urged me to write about how I am feeling…They assured me that what I am going through is perfectly normal; I told them I don’t want a pity party, just be true to what I believe.

Time and writing honestly and openly is what will help me…I know there are those out there who can relate to this process of grieving and will understand.

Please, just bear with me for a bit…I need to find that safe and secure feeling again…much the same way that Goober followed Ed that day, with a sense of getting to his safe place.

If anyone would like to see the video, Moving Goober, it is on my YouTube channel (Carol Gulley). and was posted on the blog here in April of 2016.

So don’t give up on me quite yet…It will no longer be My Farmer and Me…perhaps just Me-Moving Forward. What do you think? Honestly? Just kidding.