I Believe…..

Ed and Lovey n

It has been a year today since my Farmer passed…

A year filled with so many emotions; so many changes here at the farm as in our family.

I took over the milking in November with a very heavy heart as personal issues came into play that others thought could not be worked out.

Sold the milk cows as a herd in March to a young man who has much the same goals in life as my Farmer had at his age (24).

A few weeks later I said goodbye to some heifers that joined those milk cows and will hopefully join the ranks of those older ladies.

I believe….I did the right thing for all of  those animals.


I sold some machinery that I didn’t need and hopefully some other farmer is baling hay or chopping haylage with that equipment…

I believe…. I did the right thing.


Numerous other decisions were made in the midst of grief as everyone who has gone through the loss of a spouse knows, that may or may not prove to be ‘the best option’ overall. The jury is still out on those but…

I believe…for me it was the right thing to do.


For me this writing is therapeutic. I am now the one who makes those kinds of decisions with the help of my kids and no longer have my Farmer’s input.

But I get feelings…signs. They may all be in my head (or heart) and some I know are not, but my Farmer is my guide. I talk to him…ask sometimes foolish questions, advise or just plain ‘give me a sign’ kind of things.


This morning I believed…that today would be one of the hardest yet. Little did I know that Ed would give me a sign that I asked for rather selfishly as I woke up this morning. “Please let me know that you are at peace and that You Believe in the major decisions I have made up until now”. Sounds foolish I know, but sometimes I feel like I am just not justified to make certain decisions and need reassurance…doesn’t everyone at times?

I certainly don’t expect anyone to agree with everything…after all, I am only human!!!!


One of my jobs today is to take care of my son and daughter-in-law’s dogs which I have done for the last few days while they are enjoying the beach in Maine with the 3 kids.

As I drove up the driveway to their house which is the home we raised our 4 kids in, it hit me…memories of 40 years ago!

I could picture all those years ago with a young family…milk cows in the pasture on the hill behind the house slowly making their way down to the farm to be milked. What a sight…a long line of the black and whites with a few Jersey and Swiss mixed in at that time.

Goats, chickens and turkeys in the yard, loose and on their own. Some specific events came to mind, mostly Sundays when my Farmer would spend the afternoon with me and the kids unless there was hay to get or corn to harvest.

Mind you, this was when our oldest was perhaps 6 or 7 and the youngest 1 or 2 so field work for me at that time was out of the question.

Oh what times they were; kickball or wiffle ball games where I would let the kids win…but Ed usually had to score once or twice just to show them how it was done!!! Building stonewalls, goat yards for kidding nannies and perhaps a re-model of an old milk house of earlier years when cows were actually milked at this place of ours.

Of course by this time, (I had animals to take care of, after all) with a smile on my face and tears rolling down my cheeks I got out of the car and as I turned I noticed a crow sitting on a feeder in the pasture by the calf hutch. “Hi Ed…and thank you for the sign..”

As I walked up the lawn to the house and I got closer there were four small yellow butterflies fidgeting around Allison’s strawberry plant in the wooden tub.

Wow…reached in my back pocket for my phone to get a snapshot and realized it was still up over the sink in the kitchen at home being charged.

So anyway,(I guess I am turning this post into a book so I will finish up) driving back down to the farm it occurred to me that it was my own private signs from my Farmer; perhaps not intended to be shared…but I will never know.

—————————–

This is what I believe….As much as it hurts to have lost my Farmer, the kid’s Dad and the Grandkid’s Grampy…his life surrounds us in memories sparked by our daily walkabouts.

That is a gift from the man I loved and married, fathered my children and took care of our family.

As much as his loss is felt today on this 1 year anniversary we are blessed with his presence all around us.


To this end I believe….

My Farmer guides me every day

You ask me how I know?

He comes to me in my time of need

As a Butterfly and a Crow!!!

I love and miss you dearly, Farmer….

This is my therapy …

39 Comments

  1. Bless you, Carol. Hard to believe a year has passed since Ed left, but I agree with you: he shows you his presence via butterflies. Thank you for the example you set for your readers of love and courage.

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  2. Carol, I think of you often & your life & work with Ed. There is a spiritual depth to your life & to your writings. You speak to all of us farm wives, and I thank you for sharing your life. I keep you in my prayers. I know this has been a most difficult year, and I feel that you have handled all of this well with Ed’s guidance. Write when you can & share your life with us. Mary Ann (farm wife down in GA)

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  3. Glad to see you here again.
    You are a good writer and I thank you for sharing. You have people here thinking about you and who also are eager to get a sign from you. 😉
    A year can feel like a life time or just like yesterday but we have to face whatever it gives and act accordingly; and I think you are a courageous woman with an enormous task to take on, and you have handled it well without knowing everything that comes around the next corner.
    You have so much experience in farming and business that I think you can judge and decide for yourself, with confidence, about your life for now and future. You can stand firm and see yourself as the capable woman you are. Your Farmer was “the rock” but you are certainly no “small pebble” compared to him; but a rock of your own wisdom and strength.
    Be blessed.
    Ida

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  4. Dear Carol, I can’t tell you the relief I feel in reading today’s post. For you to have these signs on the one-year anniversary of Ed’s homegoing is so telling that his spirit has never left your side. I truly believe that. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and above all, don’t stop believing.

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  5. So good to hear from you Carol….. Anniversary’s of lost loved ones are tough… But usually brings a smile as well. You have wonderful memories and are surrounded by people who love you…. Thanks for posting 💕…Rebecca

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  6. Glad you are still writing…loved this post…yes 1 year with out the farmer…you made it thru…congrats and hoping you will have many more with your family and friends…I agree all those things are signs…

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  7. Each post you offer seems to have within an inherent & beautiful guide through the grieving process… what a blessing for all/any who still and always will grieve.
    The process (for lack of another name) of grieving never really ends… but definitely changes its manifestations….
    For me, my husband sends dragonflies — sometimes one, sometimes a flock; sometimes in a cloud formation…or even in an unexpected form like a tile or a picture window.
    Clearly, you are growing as you grieve.
    And yes, I believe you are doing the right things.
    Your farmer is so proud of you❤️

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  8. It was so very nice to hear from you in this way.. I was thinking of you and Ed just this week. Remembering a year ago.
    I miss your beautiful stories. Try not to doubt yourself. You are doing all you can do. Take care.. My thoughts are with you today.
    P.S. It has been a beautiful week and summer here in Maine. I hope your son and family enjoyed their stay.

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  9. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I know your Farmer would agree since he wanted his battle shared.
    Love and prayers for you daily!

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  10. This is beautiful, Carol. Beauty out of painful loss. Your writing is so honest and raw, your farmer would be, and is, proud. You are making good decisions for you now, and for your family. The signs Ed is sending seem like proof of this. I send Best Wishes to you…

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  11. It was a wonderful post..it sounds like you carried through the day with the strength and courage you have shown, not only in the last year, but in the difficult months before…you are going to be ok..and your farmer wouldn’t want it any other way..see you soon..love much..

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  12. So good to read your blog again. I have missed them. I understand how your loss has affected how you now live your life. It is good to see you making decisions and carrying on with the business of life.

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  13. I enjoyed reading this, you sound as if you are “settling in” to your new life. I also looked for signs after my husband passe, I still do 16 years later.

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  14. A beautiful post❤️ Have missed not seeing posts from you and was hoping things were coming together for you. I,too, have had sadness in my life this past year and trying to find my way thru it😢 Hope to hear more from you soon. Take care of yourself😊

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  15. Carol, I was wondering if you were ok. It was so good to see a post from you today in my email. I do hope you are doing ok. I see your signs of Ed visiting you. I am so glad you are doing ok. Please take care of yourself. I do miss hearing from you now and then. Please take care of yourself. TB

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  16. Please keep writing. Your posts are helping me through a “difficult patch” right now. So glad Ed has sent you some signs. Blessings. Linda Russell Illinois

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  17. God bless you Carol, you are doing exactly what your farmer would want you to do. He is looking down on you with much pride and love. What a good caring and kind person you are. So nice to hear from you again. Take care and enjoy your life with the signs from your farmer.

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  18. I loved hearing from you. I’ve been wondering for you and your farm is doing.
    Take care~love from northern MN.
    Suzanne

    Sent from my iPhone

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  19. Thank you for sharing! This is therapy for me too, reading your loving words. You are a wonderful and
    strong woman. You can only do your best and I think you are.

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  20. Carol I believe you really see signs from your farmer . It sounds like you’ve made a lot of decisions. It you think they are what’s best for you , then it really doesn’t matter what other people think . Just be happy and do what you think is best. Happy Anniversary to your farmer in Heaven. May you always see his signs. Take Care.

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  21. Carol, I knew it was today. You have been in my heart and in my prayers. Your Farmer will always be there beside you, always giving you signs. 🌅

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  22. I send you my love on this first anniversary of your loss. I am seven and a half years in and still those little signs mean so much. I won’t say it gets better because I don’t think it does, but somehow you learn to live with the loss. Long may you see those butterflies and crows to let you know he’s here, he’s with you. Xxxx

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  23. Carol, I think of you a lot. I have been silent on here not really sure what to say. I can’t believe it has been a year already. I will never forget Ed. Such a kind man. Sending you hugs Carol-hang in there and keep the good memories.

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