Some Things Cannot be Changed…


Staying Together

As everyone knows these past few months have been a challenge.

School work certainly weighed quite a few down but somehow they got through. Being a home school teacher isn’t for everyone. I personally cannot get over the way simple math is being taught. Makes me wonder if it is because students depend on computers so much for typical classes and answers can be looked up so readily on phones also. They need to show the work but I think they should get credit for ‘overtime’….

The grandkids that are here everyday welcomed the school closings but not the work they were required to do for school at home.

Jai and Skylar were very eager to pitch in on the farm’s daily work load. Of course it worked out great as pasture fences needed fixing, fields needed to be fit for seeding with oats and grass. I am sure you have guessed who enjoyed the field work here this spring…Jai did a lot of the plowing and discing with his father and Skylar joined the pack to pick stone…not altogether happily, but I didn’t hear any complaints either.

Jai also did most of the seeding down and rolling. Beats school every time!!! He also prepared fields for corn seed with his Dad.

Jeremy has to split his time most days with delivering gravel, setting up screen and keeping everything in working order. Then he does any number of tasks here. Never a dull moment for him. He and Allison are a great team…reminds me of back in the day…

Of course we have moved on to hay baling and this is where Skylar can put her John Deere tractor to work…she has done a great job of tedding while brother or Dad mows or has even been sent on her own to ted a field close by but far enough away to add to her feeling of independence. She can do it….

My job with Maggie has been put on hold due to the quarantine…perhaps in the next few weeks we will get back on schedule. However, we will be in a beautiful new office thanks to Tony, who worked on it during his quarantine…

So despite all the drawbacks of the pandemic we have all come through with minor drawbacks.

We said goodbye to a good friend, fellow farmer and neighbor a few weeks ago. Lenny had a very traumatic accident in 2016 and was limited as to what he could do around the farm but always did what he could.

Unfortunately, his loss was quite unexpected and the community showed it’s respects with a tractor parade in his honor. I must say it was a beautiful way to show his family how much he was loved and will be missed.Memorial parade

Jai and his Mom drove one tractor and Dad and Skylar drove her new one…Len was an International lover but I don’t feel he would have minded in the least bit that a few green ones and blue ones showed their love to this farmer and friend.

Tractors, wagons, side by sides, trucks, grain trucks just kept coming…what a show of respect for his family. A wonderful tribute!!!

Then on to graduations…our granddaughter Logan had her ceremony in the school parking lot and then a parade of seniors; with fireworks following at dusk. Just not the same but nice, memorable.

I didn’t get very good photos for some reason…a lot of shadows and glares! But this one seemed to be a good one. Logan is the one in the middle with the tallest of arms!!!! The three amigos, so to speak, were together for that.

Logan, Ally and Emily have been best friends since elementary school and have a bond like no other. It will be interesting to see where the future takes each one but one thing is certain…their friendship will sustain them for years to come!!!!!graduation

Because of the lack of students who came to the athletic field after the parade the group was pretty small but that was fine…hopefully good memories were made out of the situation.

So it is on to UAlbany for Logan…on to bigger and better things…Her dream of playing college basketball is just ahead and the WNBA will be watching I am sure.

I pray for a great college experience for her…

I made the decisions to put Grissom and Stella to sleep…Grissom had very large tumors on his chest that had grown in between his body and his front legs which were causing him to breath heavily along with not being able to stand and walk for any length of time.Grissom n

When these tumors first appeared they were very close to his heart so surgery wasn’t a good option. He had 4 more good years before the last few months were becoming a problem with the size of them.

He was my tractor riding buddy and I am truly missing him….

Stella was having chronic problems with ear infections and mites which I treated 5 times since Christmas with little affect. She was shaking her head and digging along with having a discharge that was horrendous.  Despite attempts that had worked before but were no longer helping her I just couldn’t watch her suffer with it any longer; and I do feel it was right thing for her.

My Farmer and these two are all watching over us and running through the fields of green…

I am down to 2 dogs…Miss Putz and Lovey…Miss Putz is same age as Grissom and Stella…Lovey is year older.

springSo because of all the little rain storms lately, this rainbow was a welcome sight the other evening.

I reminds me that even though we go through the worst of times there is beauty on the other side.

Our struggles can be horrible and we may think it will never get better…but I thank God that He brings us through and helps with our struggles regardless of what they are.

I was inspired by a very serious situation that could have had an extremely devastating outcome…but instead, for me,  it renewed my faith that regardless of how hopeless and depleted the particular experience is, a call to prayer can make a difference; and when it is called by a small community of loving and caring individuals and is His will, a miracle can happen. AMEN!

And those circumstances were forcing me to face some things I needed to reconcile in my own life; I can only change my own feelings…no one else’s.

I have been putting some personal issues in His hands over the last couple of years.  Some have cost me the loss of people who mean the world to me but feel I am only out to hurt them. Definitely not the case.

I understand that it can be hard for some people to move in a positive direction. I afforded them apologies and explanations that fell on deaf ears to a reply of no because they had to think of themselves.

I can let some of these things go knowing I tried. I only hurt myself with constantly wishing things were different. I did my part.

Am I feeling better about such things? In some ways yes, others no. As much as it hurts I know in my heart I did what was called for at the time. My door is always open.

I was reading some Daily Peace wisdom this morning and to paraphrase, it said it is harder to keep up a selfish and jealous attitude concerning others because it will eat at you; whereas knowing apologies and explanations (which I feel I extended early on) can be the beginning of healing.

So after thinking about it for a year and a half I feel I did face my demons directly and  tried to rectify my side of the situation. I have a happier heart knowing I tried. I am no longer taking the responsibility for it not working out and moving on.

Sadly, I did the things that were asked of me…just leave them alone. Done but not easily.

I apologize if this offends anyone…writing is healing for me and given circumstances recently that brought this situation to the forefront I need to heal.

Everyone take care and stay safe!!!!

Happy 4th of July!!!!

Love to all. Farmer I miss you, especially now.



  1. Carol…. We miss you and your on going stories of the farm & family you hold so closely. I check here everyday in hopes of even a short note to let us know how you are doing.
    Please know that I and I am sure many others hold you close in our hearts and thoughts. Hope to hear from you soon.



  2. Carol

    Good to see you post again. I have never commented but followed your blog after Jon Katz wrote about your husband. I lost my husband a year ago this July. We were not that close but after 51 years of marriage it is tough to make all these decisions

    You have helped with your writing



  3. So lovely to hear from Carol and so pleased for the update and to know you and family are well. Please take good care and keep us posted, love hearing from you.xox



  4. I was so pleased to read this post. It makes me think of many of the same things you mentioned. You are so strong. I hope I can face any challenges as you have. Blessings.



  5. I always love reading your letters. They are so heartfelt warming and true for all of us in the way. Families are tough, there is a fabric of our lives and they’re the fabric that makes us crazy as they tear and stretch in different directions. But they are always our family you need to make decisions for you it’s kind of like my college roommate I’ve been out of college for 40+ years I sent a Christmas card every year to never receive one in return, I will continue to do so so that I too, can say I did my part. I know it hurts to lose someone or some thing that was part of your life but you are the important one in this scenario. Love you, love your family and happy that life and the new growth at your farm continues



  6. I miss your frequent writings and your pure heart felt thoughts and feelings. Please keep sharing and God Bless you. 💜



  7. Hugs to a kind and caring woman ❤

    On Sat, Jul 4, 2020, 5:07 PM Bejosh Farm Journal wrote:

    > bejoshfarm posted: ” As everyone knows these past few months have been a > challenge. School work certainly weighed quite a few down but somehow they > got through. Being a home school teacher isn’t for everyone. I personally > cannot get over the way simple math is bein” >



  8. As usual, my friend, you put a lot of thought into this have come to some difficult decisions regarding both 2 and 4 legged important parts of your life..I know you have agonized over decisions for quite some time now…you are right, you cannot be everything to all people…you have done what you felt was necessary from the beginning..I am proud of you and the strength you show..(even when you don’t think so)…keep on keeping on and I will see you soon…



  9. So good to see your post Carol. You have been in my thoughts daily with all that’s going on in our world these days. Sounds like you are staying busy on the farm.
    Having to make the decision to let a beloved pet leave us with dignity and pride is one hard choice to make. I’ve been there more times than I choose to count but after a time of grieving I knew in my heart it was the right thing for my companions that loved me as much as I them. I as you have had Aussie’s in my life since 1988 and can’t imagine not. There seems to be a connection that is unexplainable , not many words are needed as they show you every moment of every day. All dogs are unique and special no matter the breed or mix , they never question us , they just snuggle up close in our time of need and let us know that everything will be ok.

    I wish you peace and good health dear sweet lady. Again , you made my day by posting. Take Care



  10. Carol, it was nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry you had to put your 2 dogs to sleep but, it they were suffering you made the right choice. I know you will miss them. As far as anyone getting offended don’t worry about that. Just write what you feel if it makes you feel better. Congratulations to the graduates and may God Bless you all . Take care of yourself and Stay safe.



  11. Until a person walks in our shoes they will never understand the whys and wherefores of trying to live without the life partner we lost that we could share good times with and gain courage from in troubling situations. Stay true to yourself and keep the faith. You have a big challenge, have confidence in your abilities. God Bless.



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