Honesty is Best…

Poets_n

Last weekend was the Bedlam Farm Open House and I was asked to read some poetry that Ed wrote this past summer. As in the photo with Mary Kellogg and Jon poking fun at one another I felt at ease.

Several visitors that day introduced themselves as readers of our blog for the last three  years along with several who told me not to give up writing on my own.

I enjoyed the conversations of the day…re-living some of the blog posts through visitors’ eyes much of the afternoon. What a blessing that day was for me.

One wish that Ed had was that he could make a difference in some way through the blog whether it be through his humor or the brutal honesty that came with telling of The Journey.

I am delighted to say that he made a difference in many lives…some of the ones he touched introduced themselves in person at the Open House.

One woman was going through much the same thing with her mother and said that our honesty was what touched her…death is something we will all experience but it can be as beautiful as a newborn calf or a Grandma’s Blessing rose.

In all honesty it was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever done…watching my Farmer go from living the farm life that he loved so much…14-16 hours a day of hard manual labor with a few very special moments thrown in…to a defeated man who fought his hardest fight and lost a bit more every day.

I so miss him every day…his Journey from diagnosis to death was down a path that had no u-turns or rest stops….just a few speed bumps that afforded us perhaps an extra day or two along the way (slow down but don’t stop).

As foolish as it sounds, I look for butterflies and crows as a sign that he is still with me. Oh, I know he will always be but somehow they keep him real and here.

The one thing I know is that writing has become harder for me…Ed and I could bounce ideas around all day as to what we should post…from Goober , a few hours old bull calf running behind my Farmer in the rain the long way around the barns and to the area where the bull calves were kept (actually quite amazing in itself because he didn’t mind leaving his Mama and followed on his own)

…to watching Canadian geese heading north or south, depending on the season…plowing and planting…haying…chopping corn. Through good and not so good times with a few downright bad ones here and there.

But for me now it is just a feeling of emptiness…the past 6 months play over and over in my head and my heart aches. The future isn’t bright through my eyes. Some days I spend seeking out a sense of hope that is out there but not quite within reach.

Come on Farmer…show me a way to get over this dread. Help me move forward in the most important aspects of living…

Today I went back to writing class for the first time since last spring and the entire group urged me to write about how I am feeling…They assured me that what I am going through is perfectly normal; I told them I don’t want a pity party, just be true to what I believe.

Time and writing honestly and openly is what will help me…I know there are those out there who can relate to this process of grieving and will understand.

Please, just bear with me for a bit…I need to find that safe and secure feeling again…much the same way that Goober followed Ed that day, with a sense of getting to his safe place.

If anyone would like to see the video, Moving Goober, it is on my YouTube channel (Carol Gulley). and was posted on the blog here in April of 2016.

So don’t give up on me quite yet…It will no longer be My Farmer and Me…perhaps just Me-Moving Forward. What do you think? Honestly? Just kidding.

31 Comments

  1. Just take the time you need. It’s different with everyone. When my husband died 24 years ago, I was still relatively young with two boys in college. It was hard losing him and the income he made, but somehow we made it. What I found helpful was what I called “civil disobedience.” I started to do things I couldn’t do when he was there. He hated day lilies, so I joined the National Capital Day Lily Society and planted a border full. He didn’t like fancy fingernails, so I started going to a manicurist for awhile. Things like that. I’ve given that advice to a number of my friends who have lost their husbands since then, and they did say it helped.
    Go nuts – get your nails done! Go to the movies if you want. I go by myself all the time. Just do something to take yourself out of the house some times.
    I’m praying for you.
    Anita

    Like

    Reply

  2. I look for your blog every day and I was so happy to see it back. My prayers and thoughts are always with you, as I’m sure there are many other praying for you as well. God Bless you. Much love, Leah

    Like

    Reply

  3. You see, my friend, it doesn’t matter whether you can bring yourself to write every day, once a week, or once a month…your friends will be waiting ….

    Like

    Reply

  4. Carol, You seem to be always truthful no one can tell U what to write. U have to write about what U feel . Just take the time U need write about what U know. If writing about what U felt or feel about Ed then write about it. A lot of us know what your going threw and it’s not pity we feel for U. Write about the farm and show pictures of your wonderful animals. I’m sure there’s a lot of work to do on the farm . Give it time and one day you’ll be writing again for U and no one else. Just do what feels right for U.

    Like

    Reply

  5. Dear Carol, thank you for sharing your honest feelings with us today. We are with you and want to know how you are feeling and no, we won’t consider it a pity party, but a way that we can share your heartfelt emotions. What you are feeling and going through is absolutely to be expected. Continue to embrace and search out those crows and butterflies and let us join you in celebrating each time you catch a glimpse of Your Farmer through them.

    Like

    Reply

  6. Writing about YOUR journey through this valley is as important as your sharing Ed’s journey with us. You might be surprised at the number of your readers who are searching for a butterfly to help them know they’re not alone. Your path is your own, but many of us are privileged to share it with you. 🦋🐂💙

    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

    Like

    Reply

  7. Wow, Carol, this is gifted writing, so clearly – so clearly – expressing a beautiful heart and a grounded mind. Thank you for posting this. It’s a lovely light to me on my own path. Please keep writing.

    Like

    Reply

  8. Thank you Carol for writing and I can only imagine how hard these months have been for you. i so appreciate your honesty and courage for sharing this time with us. Again i send thanks and well wishes and hope one day to make it your way and say hi and meet you and all the wonderful animals you share your life with.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Oh my, I would love to meet you. Your support through all of this has been gratefully accepted. I sometimes think I push my feelings on other people but if the comments from out there in blog land are as genuine as they sound, I am forever blessed with amazing friends…Thank you Susie…Carol

      Like

      Reply

  9. Carol Gulley, How could you even imagine that we would ever give up on you? Most of us have never met you but we love you. I think your writing is wonderful. I know you must miss Ed terribly but he is right beside you. Energy never dies.

    Like

    Reply

  10. Dear Carol,
    I so enjoy your postings and blog! My heart go out to your as you adjust to life with out your farmer by your side. I am so glad for the signs from crows and butterflies. Please know that Ed and you and your family have made a difference by sharing your journey. You’ve set an example on how to share and love. We have all come to know you a bit and Love you! The world needs more of this (love not cancer). Some of us have never met you but feel like we have. Time it just takes a lot time please be patient with yourself. I lost someone I loved very much it has been 12 years, and sometimes i think about and it is almost like a punch in the gut. Sooo if you need to shout , or cry, or just need a lot of Virtual hugs, WE ARE HERE! Please take care and just be you!

    Like

    Reply

  11. so very glad to see your most recent writing Carol – and that you have again joined Jon’s writing group ! you are sure a gifted and natural writer. you are on a difficult journey for sure but one I know you will get through !!!! you are true to yourself and that is what matters most !!! sure hope you are having a pleasant day……. hugs to you……LAS

    Like

    Reply

  12. Your blog has been and continues to be a part of my life. Especially after losing my husband a little over two years ago. And he is in my thoughts daily. He always gave me beautiful cards for all occasions and I keep some of them out where I see them everyday. It’s how I keep his love for me alive in my heart. Sometimes I feel so lonely and I too have children and wonderful grandchildren. But I think I will always miss the love of my life and my best friend.

    And this past week my Daughter’s husband was diagnosed with malignant brain tumors. Your journey and your words are helping me help her. God bless you!!
    Love from Hetta in Rochester, NY.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Am so sorry to hear of your son-in-law’s diagnosis…I am praying for him and his family. I pray your daughter can find strength and comfort in this journey. Love does so much to help us through these times but to be honest it also can open up wounds we too have to live with as care givers. I will be here for any support you or your daughter may need that I can give to help in any way. Positive thoughts and prayers go out to you…Carol

      Like

      Reply

  13. Carol, keep writing! This is refreshing to read. It is so refreshing to hear/express your honest, raw feelings for what is happening. The past 6 months have been hell for you. You were thrown into an area of your life that you never thought you would be in. Let alone, BE ALONE, when this whirlwind stopped. No, this is not a pity party at all. Cardinals are a definite sign of Ed talking to you. Also, crows and butterflies. Please keep writing. Prayers and love. Linda Russell Illinois

    Like

    Reply

  14. Good for you, Carol. Walking thru this grief is an up and down path.. please keep sharing your heart… It’s what will help you and know that there is always hope for finding your path. We’re all here for you!! Xoxo

    Like

    Reply

  15. Dear Carol.
    Because the open house last week was a date that held significance to me, the hug I had wanted to give you will have to wait. Oct. 6th would have been our 46th anniversary. My husband Bill died 3 yrs ago today, Oct. 14th 2018. Cardinals are my reminders. Each one of us will have our own intimate relationship with our grief as we move into understanding what drives us to get up everyday and live. You are right where you are supposed to be with your experience. A new relationship with your farmer will florish, it will be void of earthly pain and sad memories. It will live in you as pure love, and it will grow as you do in your new and uncertain life. Thank you for sharing everything you do . I write in journals, writing helps. So did bereavement group. Sharing the experience was helpful. So are the 3 dogs I share life with. I learn from the dogs, how to live in the moment.
    Peace and hugs to your wounded heart. Hope to get you some day
    Denise

    Like

    Reply

  16. I have been a follower daily on Jon’s blog for many, many years. I also follow Maria. After Jon’s post today, I wanted to follow you. The few words he quoted you on were So heartfelt…especially about wanting to “feel safe and secure again”. You will, not in the way you did before….but you will ❤️ Blessings❤️

    Like

    Reply

  17. Carol, this is a most honest, heart-breaking and heart-opening post. Your writing flows here and your clarity is strong. I look forward to reading more..

    Like

    Reply

  18. Carol, this section of your blog REALLY resonated with me. I lost my 51 year old wife of 31+ years very suddenly and unexpectedly to cardiac arrest Oct., 2017. I was only 52. We had such grand plans… Even after a year, these words in your blog ring so true for me, describing some of what I feel. “But for me now it is just a feeling of emptiness…the past 6 months play over and over in my head and my heart aches. The future isn’t bright through my eyes. Some days I spend seeking out a sense of hope that is out there but not quite within reach.” I am determined to be resilient. Like you, I have adult children (4) and grand children that help me continue to move forward. Take care. Be kind to yourself. Thanks so much for sharing. ~Tim

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Despite how it sounds through writing the words and not speaking them, I am optimistic but it is very hard when the sadness of the loss sneaks in at various times as you know..I pray that each day brings a bit less emptiness and a light will replace it, showing a path of resilience that we are both seeking at this time. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers….Carol

      Like

      Reply

  19. Good Morning, Carol,
    I was so happy to read the news that you are returning to Jon’s writing class, and to hear a bit of how you are doing. Of course, you are still feeling sort of lost. Considering the time is so short since your life changed on a dime, as they say.
    \
    I had so hoped to attend Jon and Maria’s Open House, but the timing was not right for me this year. Next one, I hope, and I would so like to meet you, as well! Bravo for being there and reading.

    Love your crows and butterflies…….
    Sending love to you,
    Marcia

    Like

    Reply

  20. Like so many others Carol I was happy to see your post. It expressed so well your feelings. I also have a farmer who now struggles with each day. Continue writing as your emotions allow. Prayers to you and your farming family,

    Like

    Reply

  21. Your blog has been helpful – I am going through some tough times with caring for my husband who had a serious stroke just over 3 years ago. Each day has good moments but also hard moments. I can’t leave him at home alone, caregiver costs are expensive, and I (we) can’t go anywhere He is not who he was, but luckily for him he does not remember what he was like and the things he was interested in and /or able to do prior to the stroke-he lives in the moment , day by day. He is gone to me in so many ways, yet physically still here.
    I mourn the fact we no longer have the life we used to have and every day I try to help him not slip further away through exercise, cognitive stimulation, acupuncture, and trying to keep his mind stimulated. We just have to keep moving forward and hoping each new day will be a good one. I share many of the emotions you have expressed. Thank you for your blog-keep writing.

    Like

    Reply

  22. Carol you have been in my thoughts. Your grief is personal and it will take all the strength you have left to deal with it. There is no time limit. No apologies to be made. One day at a time, so
    many memories to hold on to, smile when you can, look for the crows and butterflies and remember always that you are an amazing person.

    Like

    Reply

  23. Dear Carol,
    I am glad to see this post. And I enjoyed hearing you read at the Open House and of meeting you!
    I don’t think there really is a ‘normal’ way that a person grieves. Some parts , yes. But you are going through this in a way that is ‘normal’ for you. You’ve had a great loss. How you react is right for you. No one else will grieve in quite the same way. It’s ok. It will all evolve as time goes on. Lots of changes will take place as they already have. There will be times when the ache in your heart will be intense and other times when you’ll be surprised as you hear yourself laughing at something since you never thought you would ever laugh or feel joy again.
    How you do things and feel things is just right for you. You can choose how you feel and how you write . Your grief will be an unwelcome companion that intrudes at times but it takes breaks. Lots of people are praying for you and care for you. I’ll pray for God’s wisdom so you’ll know what to do and when, and that you’ll have peace about it.

    Love and blessings to you!

    Like

    Reply

  24. I also was glad to see your post. You should know we all love you and grieve for you. You’re doing fine! Watch for that old crow…not sure about butterflies in the winter😀My late Mother appears for me, a gold finch. Hard to find the gold in the winter. I’ve got my farmer too, retired now. Thanks for making me smile at your farm memories.💕

    Like

    Reply

  25. Carol, your honesty is wonderful. The journey of grief is so Individual. You will move at your pace. Your writing ability will return. Be gentle with yourself.

    I still look for seagulls and birds as a sign that my wonderful Lary is around.

    Hugs!

    Like

    Reply

  26. I was happy to see your post today! I’ve been watching for a post from you. I believe that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. You’ll be just fine. I’m going to watch that YouTube video of Goober, following Ed. Blessings, Carol. You’re in my prayers!

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s