It’s The Weather….

 

I took this photo a little over a week ago… the snow on the mountains was pretty and in my opinion that was about the only positive thing regarding it.

But…today is sunny and I can feel the sun’s warmth. It is a silent promise for me…a renewal of all things beautiful to me…leaves popping through tight little buds and creating a canopy of shade for future hot summer days…flowers stretching and pushing through the warming soil to form a colorful landscape that always puts a smile on my face.

Okay, so perhaps I am being a bit premature with these predictions but don’t we all need something to lighten our load; something to perk us up from the cold winter and allow us to dream a bit? It sure helps me!!!

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This young lady and her brother keep me entertained and are a constant reminder of how blessed I am to have such a great passel of children and grandchildren.

Skylar is a very confident girl…give her a chance to try something different and she never lets you down. I know much of the challenge to do this comes from having an older brother who is self-confident and anxious to learn as well.

And did I mention that they both love to sneak up on me, or just hide and jump out at me?…they have really gotten good at that skill. Jai can scare me half a dozen times in the course of 10 minutes. He has even crept up to the kitchen window in the dark and just stood there with his face an inch or two away until I spot him!!

And Skylar is constantly sneaking into the house and walking up behind me to tell me ” I gotcha Grammy!”

I can tell you that having them around or having some of the other 10 grandkids just stop in for a visit is what is keeping me from hiding away. My heart is happy when I see them running by the window or just hanging out together with cousins or friends.

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I have also been busy going to basketball games to watch some of the grandkids play.

Granddaughter Logan has had an exemplary high school career…Years ago she set her sights on breaking the Hoosick Falls Girl’s Basketball Individual Career Points record and I am so proud to say she did just that….and on her Senior Night playing her final home game. What an accomplishment…she has also broken the school record for individual single game points (41) and also for career assists and either career blocked shots or rebounds ( I have lost track!!!)

And to top that all off she has been recruited to play for the UAlbany Great Dane’s and has been given a full 4-year scholarship…I may have mentioned that part before, as she signed in the fall.

Here she is with high school assistant couch Maggie…also known as MOM!…who has coached most of the girls on the school teams on various AAU teams since Logan was 7 or 8. That was when her dream was born to excel at the game and Mom passed on  her knowledge and love of the game to her.

(Coach Maggie played ball for RIT and had some records of her own.)

So I guess this means it runs in the family. It has always been her dream to coach and she achieved that along with the great experience of sharing Logan’s dream of breaking records of her own. So proud of them both!!! My only regret is that Dad and Grampy wasn’t here to celebrate with us. I know he would be very proud of them, also. Consolation in knowing his spirit is living among us…

And Logan has 2 brothers who are up and coming in basketball and baseball…Dad helps coach them in AAU Baseball. So blessed!!!!

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Moving on to other news, Grissom and Stella are having some health issues…Grissom has two very large fatty tumors on his chest that are causing a bit of shortness of breath and is making it hard for him to get up and down. Vet told us 2 years ago that they were too close to his heart to operate on and they have since grown larger and are becoming more solid. But he forges on and other than the breathing seems to be ok…he is becoming very bowlegged in the front but still runs and plays with the other dogs from time to time!

Stella is almost deaf…I have noticed over the winter she is less apt to jump up unless she is facing whatever reason there is to do so. The Vet said with all the infections she has had in her ears through the years he is not surprised. But the treatments for that have done only so much to prevent the deafness which has become inevitable.

So I am hoping they have a while left here. Unless they seem to be in pain or become too defensive they will be here at Bejosh for some time…

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I would be very appreciative of some continuing  positive thoughts and prayers for my sister battling Leukemia and two friends with health issues; one with lung cancer and one with heart issues. God Bless.

I know sometimes our prayer lists get too long…but perseverance in that form of help with healing is always welcome.

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Congratulations to Dr. Emilie Blough for opening her brand spanking new Vet clinic out west…She has been a source of great pride in another young woman who had a dream…with a strong faith and hard work she has made her dream reach fruition.

Anyone who has the opportunity to see her at the work she loves can truly appreciate the time and effort in achieving all she has…

When we were on my Farmer’s Journey in May 2018 his one set destination was Goshen, Indiana where Emilie had moved back to a few years ago to be closer to her family.

This extraordinary young woman had left a lasting impression on him (both of us) without even trying. She is one of those people that can impress a total stranger with her work ethic and knowledge of many, many different things in a matter of minutes.

I am grateful that they had some time to spend together before his health declined and that she and her mom Michelle were able to come out here later that summer to attend his funeral.

The mutual respect and love they shared is a testament to them both and is sadly lacking in so many others.

I remember the day she showed us the land she had bought on which to build her very own clinic. She was so excited as were both of us  for her. “She had a vision”, he said  as we headed further west,” and she would see it through”… Ed was so right.

She has ‘planted ‘ some of Ed’s metal art flowers in front of the new building; a true testament to their relationship and our friendship. I couldn’t be more proud of her.

I am planning to make a trip out there at some point this year and bring her another gift from Ed. He had told me what he wanted her to have when her dream came true and I will make sure I bring it to her in person. CONGRATULATIONS EMILIE!!!

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And finally, as I look ahead with spring just around the corner and turning the clocks ahead tomorrow night I am feeling a sense of peace. I see and hear Ed’s voice in everything here…but now I feel like it will be ok…I will be ok.

All those tears that I cry because I miss him and the sadness that he isn’t coming back are a bit easier to handle. I have family and friends that show me and tell me it isn’t a bad thing to feel that I can manage my feelings of loss better now. The loss doesn’t go away ; I guess I just understand and deal with it better

He is forever in my heart and was the best part of my life. I cherish what we had, the good and not so good times, because we came through everything together. I have a family we made and I am deeply thankful for that. Grandkids are the bonus…each in their own way….loved so much. Some I see often, others not so much. But all hold my heart strings…parents and kids alike.

So I look forward to 2020 in many ways. A time of renewal ahead for myself and those that are mine. Bring it on…

Until next time…Hugs and Love to all. Love and miss you, Farmer!

New Memories Start Somewhere…

This photo caught my eye when going through old blog material in my computer a few minutes ago. Every so often I like to go back to those times in my mind and remember just what we were up to when the photos were taken.

This particular one was taken at the Kider World’s Fair Gardens when we were on our journey west and spent a few days with Emily Blough and her mother, Michele, in Goshen, Indiana. Such a good time for us both…it was one of the things on his bucket list for this trip.

I remember asking him that evening in our hotel room if he could tell me what he was thinking when I took it…he said he wasn’t looking ahead…just going day by day and taking in as much as he could.

I tried to do the same but knowing what was most likely ahead for him I couldn’t. He really didn’t want to live life more than one day at a time at that point… Making the most of each one was his goal and eventually mine.

I do not write this looking for sympathy or pity…I do so because we made memories that will last me the rest of my time here. Writing seems to be a form of therapy for me.

Ed’s strong will to do his best…his kind heart and soul… his mission to prepare his family and not worry about himself created more and more memories to be passed on.

As I picture our little tribe of 20 at this time, my Farmer and I + 4 kids + 10 grand kids, he has left a legacy worth more than anything I could ask for. We all know that he loved and cared for us more than life itself. Good times and not so good…the one constant was love.

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I have taken a job with my daughter’s consulting  business…I now have another title associated with my name…Carolyn Gulley…farm wife and now, consultant!!

Okay…so I do a lot of computer work and filing at the moment…Maggie’s the brain and I am her minion? (I think that word fits)!! Love it.

We often talk about her Dad; mostly things he said to us after his diagnosis. He was a wise man in so many ways…and he could read people. More often than not his impressions of folk were spot on. Perhaps not always what we wanted to hear but looking back he was our leader.

And his words of guidance for me, kids and grandchildren alike are guiding us daily. Not a day goes by that his name…Farmer, Dad or Grampy…is not mentioned for one reason or another. With respect and much love.

Needless to say, our tribe has those memories of a lifetime with him. And now we move forward and continue making memories of our own that all started because we  had him.

Memories…They all start somewhere! I love you Farmer!!

‘Til next time….

PS…I am thinking about writing some sort of book including all of the blog photos and others with short stories of our life here at Bejosh… A good friend of mine mentioned it a few months back and the more I think about it the more I think it would be do-able with the right help.

Any opinions or suggestions out there? Take care.

Moving forward into the new decade…

Hello my friends! Hope the new decade has started off with all that is good for all of you. And most of all I pray that it continues to shine a positive light to draw you forward.

I have been going through photos and some of my Farmer’s writing from good and not-so-good days. This photo was taken on one of the days we picked out animals to sell in order to down size shortly after his cancer diagnosis. It was one of his last trips to the freestall and his beloved cows on his own power.

Every where I look here I am reminded of 45+ years of living this farm life together…teaching our kids what it was all about; love for animals under their care, love of the land that provided the feed for those animals,. Hard work was a daily requirement.

We were afforded a few getaways when the kids were here to carry on  while we were gone and for that we always appreciated their help. I know they needed to prove it was possible for them to keep things going.

Then moving on to the point when our children found other interests …jobs off the farm…girlfriends…boyfriends and eventually to building families of their own. I love them all dearly.

I hate to admit this, but it needs to be said: We pushed hard and perhaps expected more than they were willing/able to give…following Dad’s example was very demanding. Not attending school functions or sports games and just expressing verbal interest in what they were into was hard on them.

The support they needed was overlooked. Farmer would give advice when asked about different things but wasn’t willing to drift very far from his lifestyle for even an afternoon or evening.

Of course there were exceptions but few…it really wasn’t until he and I were here alone and I was doing most of the milking with him doing feeding and other chores in the later years  that he would even attend a Town Board meeting. He was responsible for the success of Bejosh and I was his helper. That was the way it had to be at that point.

You are probably asking yourselves why I am writing all of this…believe me when I say it has taken a great deal of soul searching and recognizing that those years had greatly influenced where we are today as the Bejosh family.

Strained relationships and hard feelings within our little tribe were directly influenced by the fact that we seemed to stay in the “old days” and were not willing to move into the ’80’s, ’90’s and the new century regarding how things got done around here.

The biggest (and basically only) transition was with the milking parlor and freestall. For that I am grateful. During conversations about other ‘upgrades’ so to speak,  ideas were put to bed by keeping to the old methods. Yes, for the most part they did work…yes, he did relent to putting up silage in those huge white bags which he found to be a welcome change from the amount of waste there was to bunks/silos.

He certainly did what he thought was best and for the most part I agreed…However looking back I can see where some of the past mistakes and moving on has laid a kind of foundation for heartache.

I am not writing this because I want to bash anyone, especially Ed. God knows he loved his family more than any of them realized, I think. And they showed their love for him by showing up and pitching in when he needed them most…April 25,2018.

I have great respect for the man who gave me 4 great kids and a good life. But I do realize that things are what they are, relationships are what they are, due in part to the past unintentional failures as parents first and farmers second by us both.

He is not here to express this to anyone…and not having him here has forced me to look at things a bit differently, more honestly, for myself and our children. We have all made mistakes and I for one, admit it.

I think of myself as a loving, caring person who would help when needed regardless of the cost, be it physical, emotional or financial. Whenever called for I will give opinions that I think are advantageous to the situation…be there for anyone and everyone.

I am offering up this post to anyone who may need help with a situation such as strain in the family dynamic. It isn’t easy to be this honest but I hope in some way someone will identify a problem they are having and be able to relate to what I have written.

I look back over the years and feel great love throughout. The love part hasn’t changed but the other parts can use some work…family is of the utmost importance to me and that is what makes it so hard to be where I am.

Apologies from me haven’t worked…this isn’t a happy place for me personally, right now. I do vow to work on feeling better and by writing this I do.

I pray no one is offended or hurt by this…just trying to face some things.

Happy 2020 to all my followers. I started out this post with intentions to put up a few pictures of recent happenings and thoughts for the future here…I am sorry I got sidetracked.

I got a new iPhone and tried out the camera on it by taking this photo of a sunset last week…believe it or not, it was much darker than it portrays when I snapped it so I am impressed.

Meet Cookie the rabbit who has a brand new hutch here in the house with me…I have to be careful because of the dogs so it is his fortress when he isn’t on my lap!

And also this cute little red and white Holstein from Uncle Bud for Jaiboy. Ed’s brother sold his milk cows as did I and people are literally driving in buying up his heifers. He is afraid he wouldn’t have any left so got this one last weekend. Instead of it being a Bejosh heifer we now have a ByGolly one!! Thank you Uncle Bud!!  And Jai is over the moon with gratitude.. (Hope the elevator is working out for you! )

Had a date for breakfast last week…Cooper…isn’t he one handsome dude?

And went to a UAlbany game last weekend and caught the Great Dane’s mascot in full garb…Logan will be on the court with them next fall/winter. So exciting!!!

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Also giving a shout out to all the grandkids who headed back to college in NY, NH and Wisconsin after Christmas break…good luck and love you.

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Ok…so I will say Happy New Year once again to all who follow this…writing this post has been therapeutic for me and I thank you…

Until next time…you are in my thoughts.

Goings on…

Fall has arrived…I did get my little memory garden area decorated a bit and Jai and Skylar were excited to have big sister Jayda home for the weekend before Halloween. She invited a friend to come home with her and they had a lot of fun here around the farm.

One thing they did was carve pumpkins…they used them to light the way to their Dad’s annual celebratory bond fire with many friends and family. This is the 22nd year of celebrating life after ‘the accident’ in 1997. Was very nice hearing people congratulating him on another year of moving forward…he is having issues with his shoulder and the healing from his big hernia surgery of last March isn’t healing as well as he hoped. But he keeps plugging on.

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Another bit of excitement… no, a great bit of excitement, has happened with granddaughter Logan…first off the seniors on her soccer team were all recognized at their last home game…proud Mom and Dad with her in the photo on the left.

Next came the big day when she officially signed on to the University of Albany to play basketball the next four years, beginning with the 2020 season. She had numerous offers but was determined to play in Albany after visiting their campus and meeting the coaches. She said she felt that it was a better fit for her even though other offers came from numerous colleges with good basketball programs, too. There seemed no swaying her decision once she got the Albany offer…honestly, I am extremely thankful she is staying closer to home so I can attend some of her games. Something to look forward to.

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Next came the first snow of the season…one of my Farmer’s last creations came to life with some white lights thanks to Skylar. I am hoping to locate some solar colored lights or at least some more white ones…but for now it looks just fine with Ed’s version of ornaments—keys, bridle bit, metal thimbles,pretty shaped metal pieces and of course the tree topper. Just love it!

I truly treasure being here with all that the Farmer represented surrounding me. His unique way of molding ‘junk’ into some of the best ever gifts anyone could receive is evident throughout the farm.

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On Wednesday Ed would have been 67…a challenging day for us but a day full of memories like any other day, only those memories were of past birthday celebrations and the happiness they brought him.

He so loved his children and grandchildren….especially when they were all here at once. I know he had wishes for each of them individually…words from the wise old farmer is the way I like to think of it.

I certainly cling to photos such as this one… my Farmer wasn’t much for showing his emotions. Over the last few months we were treated to more of those moments…and in some way I think he was making up for the times he held them in.

He always hugged the kids, young and old. And I know they , too, cherish those moments.

My Farmer is always on my mind and forever in my heart…crows and butterflies are my support system!

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This sweet little girl was born on his birthday…thus named Eddna (yes, two d’s) by Jai and Skylar. But Momma wouldn’t care for her so she was moved inside for the winter. I think Jeremy has a good start on his mini-beef herd. Eddna joins 3 other smaller ladies.

Next to freshen will be Jai’s Milking Shorthorn, Vera…around Thanksgiving.

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Speaking of Thanksgiving, I wish all of our friends and family a very blessed holiday!!!

Until next time…

Love you Farmer.

 

 

Fall(ing) in to the Season

Fall has crept in lately; cooler days and nights…frost…evenings getting darker earlier and waking up in the dark on most mornings.

Don’t get me wrong…I am grateful for the time change in November instead of October…at least I think I am. (If we HAVE to turn back the clocks the later the better as far as I am concerned!!!)

I planted a tree and some perennials…not finished yet. A Burning Bush Tree is different. Foliage grows up higher and can be shaped to stay compact. Added some Iris and BeeBalm. I love the BeeBalm…easy to grow and is very pretty.

Speaking of flowers, the ones we did for the Fair display this year have thrived. Petunias and Bellflowers mostly with a touch of a dainty white one that I cannot put a name to.

Despite the frost, I am still picking raspberries from the four bushes I saved from the trash at TSC…$1/each.

They started ripening in August (late) and are still producing. I do cover them on nights when a frost is predicted but can usually still pick this many the next day. Yummy!!!

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Due to not having any definite plans moving forward.I did not have any corn to chop this year. We didn’t plant any due to the fact that we have a full silage bag from last year. Going to use this up for the heifers and couple of milk cows I am keeping through the cold winter months. I have 19 animals…calves, yearlings, heifers and 3 cows.

Kind of bittersweet for me…Jeremy is using the dump truck to haul some silage for a neighbor today. This is the first year ever for us not to have to harvest but still hoping to get some more hay if Mother Nature decides to stop showering on us every day.

Also going to put in some Winter Rye to cut in the Spring…that will give us some straw.  Fields are all plowed and just waiting to be seeded. Seems that many farmers are putting in the Rye as a cover crop this year…waiting for a delivery of seed here on Thursday.

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Having grandkids here every day is a treat for me. Skylar and Jai help with chores and their beef animals are their responsibility along with their Mom and Dad.

Maggie’s kids are in Fall sports so they don’t come as often as I would like. I do not understand the game of Football so not a regular spectator for the boys. Yeah, I know I should be.

Tonight is Logan’s last home game for girl’s soccer so as a senior this year she will be one of the many girls to be recognized…they are playing a 6:30 game under the lights. Yes, I am going!!

Last weekend was family weekend for Olivia at Colby Sawyer in New Hampshire. Am sure Jordan’s is coming up at Cobleskill and Jayda’s is in a couple of weeks at SUNY Oneonta. Good luck to these three kiddos as well as Kaylah who is at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. No doubt they will all excel.

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I am trying to plan a trip to see my PA. friends with my sister from another mother, Donna. Had it set once but Jury duty called so just have to wait and see. I had already gotten a postponement right after my Farmer passed so don’t feel right asking for another.

Life goes on…I came across some very short notes to me that my Farmer had written when we were on The Journey. He was so worried for me, wishing he could make it easier for me. I will forever cherish the fact that he thought to do that with all that he was facing and put them in where I would find them at some point….he knew me too well. HINT: I read books over and over sometimes and he knew it!

Most people didn’t know that side of him. Someone told me that he saved that part just for me. But I saw that soft, caring and loving side shine when he talked to the grandkids during his cancer fight…giving advice and guidance from a loving heart and a body full of experience.

Love for his children drew it out also. Perhaps his final outing to see the farm and animals was the best example…a scenic trip with Jordan as chauffeur ….crying as he touched Holy Cow, one of many favorites…telling kids about the older cows in the freestall as he reflected on years gone by, antics and shenanigans. We sure had those. But that will be another post….

Just want to tell everyone that we are going on…with my Farmer’s guidance. My HEART will go on knowing that he could have been thinking of his own Journey when we were on the road but was instead composing little notes of love to help me through the hard days.

I don’t know how he kept them from me or how he got them tucked away knowing I would find them but I am filled with thankfulness and love knowing he did. Others I have come across are some he wrote along with blog posts so I know these were just for me…I love you Farmer….

 

 

 

And Fall has Arrived….

Most days lately are passing by quickly…the older I get the faster they go it seems.

One regret I have since losing Ed is that I do not take photos and blog like I should. Such things haven’t seemed important until I was going through some of his writing. The blog is something that connected him to people all over the world…literally…and I do want that connection again.

So if you will bear with me I will once again work on it as a day to day kind of ‘what I’ve been up to’ thing…Won’t be as exciting as before to some but to others it may be enough to keep you hooked for a bit.

So here I go…

In August we had a graduation party for Jayda (center of photo)…Olivia (on the right in orange shirt)  had one earlier in the summer. Logan, left, and Brianna, a friend of all the girls seemed to congregate at this one table with the two graduates, both granddaughters.

Jayda has settled in to college at SUNY Oneonta and Olivia is at Colby-Sawyer in New Hampshire. Both young ladies are pursuing their goals with all the excitement that those bring. Wish them nothing but the best that life holds for their futures.

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I also attended a get-together for my sister who is battling Leukemia. She is doing better now and is hoping to get on with things that took a back seat all summer…I do know she is back to work a bit at a time. I can only imagine how that must feel after such a scare. Thank God she is able to move ahead even if only in baby steps.

Seated is Missy…Logan, Maggie, Skylar and Tucker…standing is Marshal (Missy’s son) in the blue shirt along with his girlfriend…Tony behind them and Allison behind Maggie and Skylar.

Was a beautiful day for a picnic and I had a good time talking with everyone. ***please keep Missy in your prayers…she still has a long road ahead. I am praying that I will be a match for bone marrow and can help her that way. ( the process is only beginning but will keep you informed). I am so thankful that she is improving day by day. Love you Miss…

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We also had the Fair…Cooper, Skylar and Jai showed some heifers in 4-h. Didn’t do the best but they were ok with results. I suppose we skimped on the attention paid them through the summer, but was important to attend. They learned a lot and know what to do to improve their animals for 2020. Will be here before we know it!!!

Looks like Adda-Tude is telling Snickers all about her day…they like to ‘people watch’!!!

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A couple of weeks ago a new tractor was delivered to Bejosh and Jai was the first to drive it. I was good and used a photo where he wasn’t looking, below.. He isn’t one to have his picture taken…but…I do have some others of him on the tractor with a grin from ear to ear. My Farmer would call it ‘Tractor Pride”!!!

Photo on the right is of me tedding hay… was nice to do it again although a million thoughts and memories were conjured up. Once again I allowed a photo op to pass me by when I saw two crows catching moles or field mice, along with a number of butterflies of various colors and sizes flitting around the fluffy hay. Just isn’t foremost in my mind like it used to be, but am working on it.

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Among other things I have done this summer was buying a Burning Bush Tree and planting it just across the driveway where it can be seen easily from the house. I will get a photo to post, I promise.

I am still not 100% sure we can keep Bejosh going as is. Perhaps it will be an all beef operation along with hay and some corn. I do know that taking one step at a time is best for us. We do what we can the way we can and to the best of our ability.

So many things could be different but wasn’t in the cards. I tell myself that whatever we do is a labor of love and that is all I could ask for.

Being alone in this big house isn’t an easy thing…it affords me time to think about the last few years. Not even a year and a half ago would I have thought I would be here alone today…time is precious and we cannot get it back.

Love is the glue that holds families together and communication is what works through the times we wish we could take back.

I try to be patient and kind…to be a truly loving person. I guess I am a work in progress.

Catch you all later…Take care.

I Believe…..

It has been a year today since my Farmer passed…

A year filled with so many emotions; so many changes here at the farm as in our family.

I took over the milking in November with a very heavy heart as personal issues came into play that others thought could not be worked out.

Sold the milk cows as a herd in March to a young man who has much the same goals in life as my Farmer had at his age (24).

A few weeks later I said goodbye to some heifers that joined those milk cows and will hopefully join the ranks of those older ladies.

I believe….I did the right thing for all of  those animals.

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I sold some machinery that I didn’t need and hopefully some other farmer is baling hay or chopping haylage with that equipment…

I believe…. I did the right thing.

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Numerous other decisions were made in the midst of grief as everyone who has gone through the loss of a spouse knows, that may or may not prove to be ‘the best option’ overall. The jury is still out on those but…

I believe…for me it was the right thing to do.

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For me this writing is therapeutic. I am now the one who makes those kinds of decisions with the help of my kids and no longer have my Farmer’s input.

But I get feelings…signs. They may all be in my head (or heart) and some I know are not, but my Farmer is my guide. I talk to him…ask sometimes foolish questions, advise or just plain ‘give me a sign’ kind of things.

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This morning I believed…that today would be one of the hardest yet. Little did I know that Ed would give me a sign that I asked for rather selfishly as I woke up this morning. “Please let me know that you are at peace and that You Believe in the major decisions I have made up until now”. Sounds foolish I know, but sometimes I feel like I am just not justified to make certain decisions and need reassurance…doesn’t everyone at times?

I certainly don’t expect anyone to agree with everything…after all, I am only human!!!!

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One of my jobs today is to take care of my son and daughter-in-law’s dogs which I have done for the last few days while they are enjoying the beach in Maine with the 3 kids.

As I drove up the driveway to their house which is the home we raised our 4 kids in, it hit me…memories of 40 years ago!

I could picture all those years ago with a young family…milk cows in the pasture on the hill behind the house slowly making their way down to the farm to be milked. What a sight…a long line of the black and whites with a few Jersey and Swiss mixed in at that time.

Goats, chickens and turkeys in the yard, loose and on their own. Some specific events came to mind, mostly Sundays when my Farmer would spend the afternoon with me and the kids unless there was hay to get or corn to harvest.

Mind you, this was when our oldest was perhaps 6 or 7 and the youngest 1 or 2 so field work for me at that time was out of the question.

Oh what times they were; kickball or wiffle ball games where I would let the kids win…but Ed usually had to score once or twice just to show them how it was done!!! Building stonewalls, goat yards for kidding nannies and perhaps a re-model of an old milk house of earlier years when cows were actually milked at this place of ours.

Of course by this time, (I had animals to take care of, after all) with a smile on my face and tears rolling down my cheeks I got out of the car and as I turned I noticed a crow sitting on a feeder in the pasture by the calf hutch. “Hi Ed…and thank you for the sign..”

As I walked up the lawn to the house and I got closer there were four small yellow butterflies fidgeting around Allison’s strawberry plant in the wooden tub.

Wow…reached in my back pocket for my phone to get a snapshot and realized it was still up over the sink in the kitchen at home being charged.

So anyway,(I guess I am turning this post into a book so I will finish up) driving back down to the farm it occurred to me that it was my own private signs from my Farmer; perhaps not intended to be shared…but I will never know.

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This is what I believe….As much as it hurts to have lost my Farmer, the kid’s Dad and the Grandkid’s Grampy…his life surrounds us in memories sparked by our daily walkabouts.

That is a gift from the man I loved and married, fathered my children and took care of our family.

As much as his loss is felt today on this 1 year anniversary we are blessed with his presence all around us.

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To this end I believe….

My Farmer guides me every day

You ask me how I know?

He comes to me in my time of need

As a Butterfly and a Crow!!!

I love and miss you dearly, Farmer….

This is my therapy …

…And So It Goes

Every once in a while something or someone stirs my memories of a year ago. Actually, last year at this time my Farmer and I were on the road headed west.

But these critters sparked memories of years passed; yearly visitors to Bejosh, these birds leave with more than they arrived with. They started out with 6 and as of yesterday they have 5. Nature has taken it’s course.

Last night when I walked into the parlor a pair of Barn Swallows greeted me with their busy chattering, chirping and whisking back and forth…I think they were announcing their return and also telling me to open the other return alley door so they could come and perch on the top of it and watch me milk HolyCow twice a day (her milk feeds 4 calves twice a day and she shows no sign of slacking off yet!!)

I wonder if they will wonder why just one cow comes through…I am sure they will figure it out in their own way. I do have to remember to bring my camera along more often now, too.

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A bit about what I have been up to lately…As mentioned numerous times my granddaughter Logan plays a mean game of basketball so with my evenings a bit free-er than in the past I was able to go to a number of her games. She is a great athlete and an all around amazing young woman.

Last weekend she played in a tournament for her traveling basketball team, Havoc, and sunk a shot from roughly 75 feet…or so I was told… , deep from  the other team’s court and overhand at that. I wasn’t there but I do have the video up on my Timeline on Facebook (Carol Gulley) if anyone is interested in seeing it. (Just click on the photo and it should play).

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The weekend before that was the Junior Prom here and 3 of my grandkids attended…Jayda, Jai and Logan. Tucker was supposed to go also but unfortunately was in the hospital so his 10 year old brother Cooper escorted his date in the Grand March.

 

Nice looking group !!!

Jai and his date, Ally…she is the junior.              Never too far from a b-ball!!!!

All three and their dates had a great time. Logan wore basketball sneakers that matched her gown!!!

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I am hoping to get to some of Jeb and Cooper’s baseball games. Jeb is on the middle school team and Coop plays through Little League.

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Three of the grandkids graduate from high school next month…Jordan, Olivia and Jayda. I am looking forward to hearing all about their future plans…college and jobs are all figuring in. A great group of young adults preparing to spread their wings a bit!!!

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Looking down the road for me, I have a couple of short trips planned this summer…Pennsylvania to visit my Amish friends and Maine to enjoy some time on the ocean. Am hoping  maybe a grandchild or two could come along but I am ok going on my own. Perhaps that is what I need at this time…peace and quiet along with time to reflect but to also look ahead.

Just a short time ago I couldn’t imagine how I would ever feel happy, optimistic or enjoy the simple things as I once did. Great family and friends along with time and an awesome counselor have shown me I can move forward…Ed will always be close by and looking out for me…it has been proven time and time again.

I can enjoy, be happy and optimistic…the sad and frustrating times are still there, too, but I am learning to deal with them as anyone else who has experienced loss.

Sounds good to me…Love you Farmer…..

And to all my dedicated friends out there HAPPY SUMMER! And don’t forget to look for the butterflies and crows!!!

 

You Never Know….

Sometimes when you are not paying any attention to every day goings on you are refreshed and set in a ‘better’ direction than you expected when for that one second you are brought back to reality.

After graining what few heifers I have left the other day I passed by the chicken yard…which I do on a regular basis, sometimes 6 or 8 times a day…and I was caught off guard by the sight of Willie performing his gorgeous dance for the chickens.

Well, you say. he does that all the time! And yes he does. But this time he was INSIDE the fenced area the chickens have for a yard. Part of the covering on the top of it has fallen in and been removed and by goodness Willie found the hole!!! What a guy!!!

Gotta say…it made me giggle a bit…

This month has been a challenge for the family’s emotions…My Farmer’s cancer journey began a year ago. Consequently, any distraction from replaying the ‘year ago’ visions in our heads has been most welcomed.

As Maggie and I were talking the other day, we both believe Ed had so much more to do here…He was actually looking forward to some time for himself and his art and writing. We had begun to make plans for when we may not want to milk cows…travel more…create more of his farm art but most of all he wanted to build the blog by adding more videos and to reminisce about his younger days.

And as you all know those plans were put on hold…now I feel that it has fallen on me to pick up the blog where we left off in August…without my Farmer to encourage me with ideas.

I have thought about doing more of a journal type posting…what I have been doing and the goings-on here at Bejosh. I feel, though, that it is a struggle to find what I think would be interesting to you the reader now that the cows have left.

I do have 18 animals though, and it is getting close to turn out time…that is most always an adventure! Running, jumping and kicking calves can bring a smile to most everyone. Try to imagine going outside for the very first time…wow, open spaces, different sights and sounds…heck, they don’t even know their legs can move so fast!!

Can’t commit to daily posts but will try to do more with  what I have. One thing that I do realize with much regret is that my Farmer is gone and he is not returning. I hold him forever in my heart; I talk to him all the time and I feel him with me.

Perhaps the crow will steer me in the direction of a blog post…or the butterfly that dances on flower petals will re-awaken a funny story of another time here.

I have faith that Ed will help me through this often lonely first year without him..the four seasons to remind us of a busy farm life past…holidays, which are a challenge for everyone.

For me the evenings are the hardest…here in our home by myself…now and then  a memory will sneak in and my Farmer is right next to me…so many things awaken that feeling.

So perhaps that helps you to understand why I have such a time getting back into the blogging. I know that is what I should be doing…just taking some time.

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A big hug and thank you,  Paula. I hope we may meet some day … you have no idea how much your cards and notes mean to me. May you enjoy a happy and healthy spring with Phil (the drive in the National Park and the picnic sounded lovely!!!)

 

Optimistic…

Hello everyone! It is a beautiful, sunshiny day here at Bejosh. As the video shows Willie is feeling pretty frisky and the chicken is mesmerized by his dance!!!

Days like today make me feel like I am heading in a good direction…downsizing the cow numbers has been a good thing. I don’t feel as much pressure or stress thus far and it feels good.

The young man that bought the milk cows, Sawyer, is staying in touch and has asked to have a look at the heifers that I have to sell. That will be good for all involved. I have only good thoughts about him.

I would like to say a big thank you to Paula, Melissa and Holly  for the notes and cards they continue to send…it adds a smile to my days and it is a spirit lifter on some of the harder ones. I love hearing what is going on with you.

I can’t help but feel my Farmer’s presence in every day life here…the other night I heard him giggle…I hear his voice in whispers…I have even heard (imagined) him going across the room with his walker/ a sound that broke my heart when it was really happening.

I do realize that all of this is only in my head but it is a way of having him close by. I think it is different for every one depending on the relationship with the lost one.

I am starting some seeds for planting outside when the time is right…an added distraction for sure.

Things are definitely moving forward here and for that I am grateful. The geese are coming quite often even though the water is still frozen over. I can hear them long before they appear in the sky and it is a welcomed sound. Ed loved hearing them in the Spring. I wonder how many babies we will have this year…perhaps some ducklings, too.

New life and a new beginning…or just moving forward. Whatever it is I am ready and willing to give it a try. Whatever lies ahead is okay and I know I will not be alone. The crows and butterflies will keep an eye out for me.

By the way Donna…I am counting the days till you are back in New York!!!